It’s been a long while since I last posted on this blog, and even longer since I have been keeping unwell. In short, all I can say is that I have been in a state of unrest, dis-ease and constant inner battles that have defied me any understanding of what is happening to me. All this has been causing me immense anxiety, panic and depression due to which I have lost touch with many things in life. I can bare it all to my friends who read my blog, that I am no longer able to get up at Amritvela, do my paath and listen to Kirtan anymore. I know I still love to do all this, but something within has drained me away from all the things that bind me to my Guru. I no longer feel at ease due to which I feel no excitement about all the things I loved to do, and would still love to do. May be it is a spiritual message that Waheguru is trying to project (to an awakening, or enlightening) or it could all be due to the fact that I have burnt-out myself in all aspects of my life. I no longer find life that enjoyable divine gift and it is a scary thought every time I wake up in the morning. I have had friends and family tell me that I think too much and that there really is nothing wrong with me, but then I question myself further as to why then I would not be feeling better? I have cried and sobbed at the feet of my Guru but I feel little comforted, but nevertheless, I know that His Abode is the only one I seek to the last breaths of my life.
Every single day has been a battle with my mind, body and soul and they are all clashing. I simply do not know what is happening to me and that is what is causing all my anxieties. Prayer and paath I can no longer do because ‘something’ keeps pulling me away from it. I fight, every single moment and I feel I’m losing the battle. I sometimes like to imagine that somehow, sometime, my Guru will come and pull me out of my darkness. Until then, I feel dejected, defeated, abandoned, lifeless. I don’t know what phase of my spiritual life my Guru is taking me through and I pray and hope to come out of it soon.
If you do have a moment, please do an Ardas for your brother for I need all the Guru’s Sangat that I can get. I believe that the prayer done by Guru’s Sangat never goes unanswered.
I remain the dust of the feet of the Guru’s Sikhs and humbly seek to live in the Hukam of Akaal Purakh Waheguru so that I may be granted the gift of Seva, Simran and Sangat of the Sikhs of the True Guru.
WaheguruJi Ka Khalsa. WaheguruJi Ki Fateh.