The battles of the within

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WaheguruJi Ka Khalsa. WaheguruJi Ki Fateh.

It’s been a long while since I last posted on this blog, and even longer since I have been keeping unwell. In short, all I can say is that I have been in a state of unrest, dis-ease and constant inner battles that have defied me any understanding of what is happening to me. All this has been causing me immense anxiety, panic and depression due to which I have lost touch with many things in life. I can bare it all to my friends who read my blog, that I am no longer able to get up at Amritvela, do my paath and listen to Kirtan anymore. I know I still love to do all this, but something within has drained me away from all the things that bind me to my Guru. I no longer feel at ease due to which I feel no excitement about all the things I loved to do, and would still love to do. May be it is a spiritual message that Waheguru is trying to project (to an awakening, or enlightening) or it could all be due to the fact that I have burnt-out myself in all aspects of my life. I no longer find life that enjoyable divine gift and it is a scary thought every time I wake up in the morning. I have had friends and family tell me that I think too much and that there really is nothing wrong with me, but then I question myself further as to why then I would not be feeling better? I have cried and sobbed at the feet of my Guru but I feel little comforted, but nevertheless, I know that His Abode is the only one I seek to the last breaths of my life.

Every single day has been a battle with my mind, body and soul and they are all clashing. I simply do not know what is happening to me and that is what is causing all my anxieties. Prayer and paath I can no longer do because ‘something’ keeps pulling me away from it. I fight, every single moment and I feel I’m losing the battle. I sometimes like to imagine that somehow, sometime, my Guru will come and pull me out of my darkness. Until then, I feel dejected, defeated, abandoned, lifeless. I don’t know what phase of my spiritual life my Guru is taking me through and I pray and hope to come out of it soon.

If you do have a moment, please do an Ardas for your brother for I need all the Guru’s Sangat that I can get. I believe that the prayer done by Guru’s Sangat never goes unanswered.

I remain the dust of the feet of the Guru’s Sikhs and humbly seek to live in the Hukam of Akaal Purakh Waheguru so that I may be granted the gift of Seva, Simran and Sangat of the Sikhs of the True Guru.

WaheguruJi Ka Khalsa. WaheguruJi Ki Fateh.

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15 Comments

  1. Serena Kaur said,

    October 30, 2006 at 11:27 pm

    It’s always okay in the end… if it’s not okay=)… it’s not the end….. yea!

    Sending positive energy your way!!

    Gur Fateh.

  2. Hari Singh said,

    October 31, 2006 at 1:33 am

    If we did not have white, we would never appreciate the depth and the darkness of black. So Bhai Sahib, just hold tight to the Guru’s dooree and He will get you across. Life is full of challenges and conflicts but only by staying focussed on Gurbani can we sail through these difficult periods. I pray that the Guru continues to pull you across these choppy seas. Guru-di-fateh.

  3. singhu said,

    October 31, 2006 at 10:51 am

    Waheguru Jee,

    You are 100% OK veerjee!…don’t let the inner kokaar win over you. Satguru jee is always angsang. Whenever i browse your blog i can feel waheguru blessing in you. Suggest to do Chopia Sahib and dhan dhan dhan SGGS jee will take care the rest.

    Waheguru…Waheguru…

  4. Raghbir Kaur said,

    November 1, 2006 at 11:18 am

    I have been searching you blog everyday for new entries as they give me immense spiritual inspiration and wondered why you haven’t posted for quite a while. May Satguru rid you of this transitory phase you are experiencing at present. From time to time I guess we all experience the lows in life but come out stronger if we still hold on to the Guru’s helm. I pray that Vaheguru will show you the light at the end of the tunnel. Keep strong and you will achieve the calm after the storm.

    Gurfateh.

  5. Balbir Singh said,

    November 7, 2006 at 7:24 am

    Donot worry Veerji .Ups and downs come in life.Keep praying to Waheguru.He and only He can guide us.Be in Chardikala.Guru Angsang.

  6. Davinderpal Singh said,

    November 15, 2006 at 3:52 am

    Don’t worri paji

    Dukaland Pranasi Dalang Sarupe, Sada Ang Sange Abhangag Bibhute.

    Guru Rakha always.

  7. dashmesh kaur said,

    November 15, 2006 at 3:59 am

    Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa Waheguru Ji Ki Fateh,

    Every bit of what you have written is happening with me also. I am also depressed, but I have faith in Guru Sahib. Eh vi us da bhana hai, he in between gives some hope also but I again fall, Guru Sahib aap hi kirpa kar ke eis tranisent time vicho kadenge.
    “Jo Tud bhave sai bhali kaar, Tu sada salamat Nirankar”

    Fateh

  8. November 25, 2006 at 5:45 pm

    I have also been through the same state of affairs. May Waheguru blesses us the shadow of his Name and we come out of this dreadful phase.

  9. Satnam Singh said,

    November 26, 2006 at 12:33 pm

    Very strange timing that I just recently came across this blog. I too have been battling similar demons myself (anxiety/panic/depression) and have wondered if this would pass. It has not yet but, I hope and pray that it does for you and anyone else that may be experiencing a similar fate.

    Waheguru Ji Ka Khalsa
    Waheguru Ji Ki Fateh

  10. Tejwant said,

    January 16, 2007 at 5:51 pm

    Inner conflicts are very important in our lives. They act as spring cleaning of our inner closets which get cluttered when all the info we soak in is not put on the right shelves. It is ok to feel sad,mad,dejected,lonley,depressed etc. etc.. These are mere platforms that our Gurmat train has to pass through. Stumbling blocks become inviting because they make us come out of our ‘spirirtual cars’ in order to clear the way so tha we can continue our journey. For a Sikh these stumbling blocks become stepping stones. As someone said,” In order to climb up the mountains, we have to climb down in certain streches”.

    So enjoy this restless lull in your journey and lets always remind ourselves as the Gurmat shows us,” If we change the way we look at things, then the things we look at change”.

    Regards

    Tejwant

  11. Gagandeep Singh said,

    November 22, 2008 at 5:01 am

    Veerji,

    ‘chintha chud, achinth raho’

    Give your mun (mind) and thun (body) for the Guru to take care of…

    Just don’t forget to remember Waheguru always, in the end of the day he is your one and only friend.

  12. namjap said,

    May 20, 2009 at 4:30 am

    Look into the threads – Journey of the Soul Part 1 and Part 2
    and participate if you choose to.

  13. Brijdeep Singh said,

    June 28, 2009 at 11:03 am

    Veere,

    I also have and had similar experiences. I think its part of the process. As we delve deep within us and start going beyond the mind and discover our True Self, we have to pass through the deep well of our past karmic fires. We will go through a lot and our self-conciet/ haume will constantly trouble us.

    As Guru sahib says in their baani, Naam jap is one of the ways to calm our minds and all its modulations. Also try some yoga breathing exercises as your meditate on the true divine. One of the ways I follow is take a deep breath in from the bottom of your chest (abdominal breathing) as you meditate “wahe” and then do a long exhalation while meditating on “guru”. Try doing this whenever you feel that your mind is going into negative/self-defeating thoughts that trouble you.

    Gur Rakha
    Wahe Guru Ji Ka Khalsa, Wahe Guru Ji ki Fateh.

  14. Anmol Kaur Chhabra said,

    April 5, 2010 at 4:58 am

    Veerji,
    Just try and think of Waheguruji all the tym . He is the ‘ONE’ who will take you out of all the problems that you have
    My Dadi ji use to tell me ‘SAAKHI”S’ about our guruji ‘Guru Nanak Dev Ji’ he will take you out of all that darkness you are in
    Rabb Rakha hai sab
    Waheguru Waheguru Ahkho Simran karo
    Sab Changa hi hona hai
    Waheguru Ji Da Khalsa, Waheguru Ji Di Fateh !!!


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